We can’t keep others from betraying us - even those who love us. It’s time you two shared an honest accounting of your respective desires. You’ve been together for more than a year now.
I’m not suggesting this is your situation, Snooper. That’s why so many men continue to hide their true desires by ensconcing themselves within heterosexual relationships. I imagine your boyfriend’s surface poise is masking a kind of inner panic, one exacerbated by the stigma that a predominantly heterosexual culture inflicts on gay or bisexual men. That’s what you need to uncover with your partner, if he’s willing. He went outside your relationship looking for something, and that something has a particular meaning. Your partner’s actions went beyond fantasy. But you must not allow these virtues to become instruments of self-punishment. It speaks to your love for this man, as well as your empathy and tolerance, that you want to make the relationship work and that you’re open to the possibility that his fantasies include homoerotic desires. SA: A lot of women who discovered what your boyfriend did would consider it a deal breaker. The only way you’ll know why he’s hiding this part of himself from you is by fessing up to your own shame: the revelation that you violated your boyfriend’s privacy when you snooped and learned something that surprised and hurt you. He’s also likely ashamed about his online activity - perhaps because, as you fear, he’s gay and he’s buried that perhaps because his actions are a betrayal of his stated wish to be monogamous with you and perhaps both.
Your boyfriend didn’t tell you the truth during your gentle fishing-for-a-confession conversation because he didn’t have to. I understand it’s difficult and painful to confront your boyfriend about the uncomfortable truths you discovered, but you must.ĬS: You say twice that you intend to keep the lines of communication open, but by neglecting to be honest with your partner, you’re shutting communication down, Snooper.
You didn’t discover that he has sexual thoughts about men you discovered he engaged with one online. for me to be patient, keep the communication open, and trust him, or are we doomed?Ĭheryl Strayed: Yes, it’s normal to have sexual fantasies about things we have no intention of doing, Snooper, but your boyfriend’s activities don’t fall into that category. Is it normal to have sexual fantasies about things that we have no intention of doing? How else can I walk through this with him? Is it O.K. I want him to feel comfortable, and I also want him to know that he can be honest with me. I’ve decided all I can do is keep the lines of communication open. I don’t think he’s ready to face it, and I’m not ready to admit my snooping. I know you’re thinking I should talk to him, but I can’t. I’d rather love him through this than be without him. I’m afraid he wants to be with men (though I know that looking at a site such as this doesn’t make him gay or even bisexual). I’m afraid he’ll go farther and cheat on me. He was so at ease during our conversation that I believed him, but I’m terrified that he’s unable to tell me the truth because he’s buried it. I said that I only wanted to be with him, and he said he felt the same way. He asked me if I was trying to tell him I was bisexual. I didn’t confront him, but I talked to him about sexuality and told him how normal it was to fantasize. It didn’t look as if anything transpired beyond that, yet I feel stuck. My boyfriend answered one of the ads in graphic terms that he’s never used with me. Recently, I snooped on his phone and learned that he’d been on a site where men solicit other men for sex. My boyfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship for over a year.